“My friend makes jokes at my expense”
The short answer
Banter is reciprocal and about things neither of you is sensitive about. A joke that is doing work goes one direction, targets something you have actually been hurt by, and has a defence pre-installed, "I'm only joking" arrives if you react. Two questions separate them: does it ever run the other way, and does it stop when you say it stings?
The 'only joking' defence
The phrase is doing something specific: it retroactively reclassifies the remark and makes your reaction the problem. That is why it is so effective and so hard to push back on. Note that it only ever appears after a reaction; nobody says it when the joke lands well, which tells you what it is for.
Direction and target
Real banter is symmetrical and lands on things neither party is raw about. The other kind is one-directional and lands precisely on the thing you are sensitive about, which requires knowing what that is, which requires the friendship. That is what makes it sting more than a stranger's insult ever could.
The group dimension
This frequently runs in front of an audience, and the audience is the point: it establishes a position in the group at your expense, and it is much harder to object to publicly than privately. If the jokes only happen with others present and never one-to-one, that pattern is the finding.
When it is not what you think
Some friendship cultures run almost entirely on mutual mockery and both people love it. That is genuine and it is not what this describes. The distinguishing features are symmetry and responsiveness, if you can dish it out equally and either of you can call time when it lands wrong, it is banter.
What to do about it
- 1Say it once, plainly, without heat: "That one actually lands badly for me." What happens next is the whole test.
- 2Note whether it happens one-to-one or only with an audience. If only in groups, the audience is the function.
- 3Prioritise one-to-one contact with the same people for a month. Most people find the individual friendship is considerably better than the group version.
Find out where you actually stand
Toxic Friend Test
Relational aggression, harm routed through other people, is scored separately, because it is the mechanism that is hardest to name and easiest to dismiss.
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Common questions
Am I being too sensitive?
The test is not your sensitivity, it is their response. Someone who did not mean it adjusts when told. Someone who did will tell you that you are too sensitive, which answers the question you were asking.
What if the whole group does it?
Then it is a group norm rather than one person's habit, and it needs a different response. Groups have properties no individual member has, and a circle can make you smaller than any one person in it would.
Related
This page is general information, not a diagnosis or clinical advice. If you are frightened of someone, or being controlled, a domestic abuse service can help, in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours.