“My friend only calls when she needs something”
The short answer
A friendship where contact correlates with your usefulness rather than with your life is transactional, and it is usually visible in the message history rather than in your memory. The test costs nothing: stop initiating for two weeks and note who gets in touch and what they open with. Memory is generous about this; the log is not.
Why it takes years to notice
Each individual request is reasonable. Nobody does anything egregious, there is no incident, and the friendship has history that makes the arithmetic feel unkind. Friendships also have no review points, no anniversaries, no check-ins, nothing that ever requires either person to look at the arrangement, so the imbalance accrues in a category with no audit function.
The test that settles it
Two weeks of not initiating, with no announcement and no explanation. You are not punishing anyone; you are gathering information you do not currently have. Note who surfaces, and whether they open with a request or a question about you. Most people find the result is a mix of one pleasant surprise and one confirmation, and both are worth having.
The distinction that decides what to do
Someone using you behaves differently with other people; you get the version that takes. Someone who simply needs a lot behaves the same way with everyone and is going through something with an end to it. Two questions separate them: do they know what is currently going on in your life, and can you name what it would look like for this period to be over? Two noes point at the first.
When it is not what you think
People in genuine crisis contact you when they need something because that is what a crisis is, and supporting someone through one is a good thing to do. New parents, people caring for someone ill, people in the middle of a breakdown, all produce this pattern temporarily. The question is whether it has an end and whether they have ever asked about you.
What to do about it
- 1Read back the last ten messages they initiated and note what each was about. Ten minutes, and it usually settles a question you have carried for months.
- 2Stop initiating for two weeks. Say nothing about it. Note who reaches out with something that is not a request.
- 3Say no to one low-stakes ask, with no reason given. The reaction is the entire dataset.
Find out where you actually stand
Are Your Friends Using You? Quiz
The assessment scores twelve dimensions with nine questions each, so it can tell you whether the issue is the volume of asking or the absence of reciprocity, which need opposite responses.
Take the assessmentFree · No account needed · 3 minutes
Common questions
Should I confront them?
Usually not. Conversations that open with a diagnosis put people on the defensive and rarely change behaviour, particularly when the behaviour was never deliberate. Changing your own inputs works better and costs less.
What if they're genuinely struggling?
Then help, and the cost to you is still real. Those are separate questions. The useful one is whether you can describe what it would look like for this period to be over. If not, it is an arrangement rather than a crisis.
Related
This page is general information, not a diagnosis or clinical advice. If you are frightened of someone, or being controlled, a domestic abuse service can help, in the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is 0808 2000 247, free and 24 hours.