Chemistry is not compatibility
The people who give you the strongest spark are not always the people who are good for you. Today is about why, and it involves a wobbly bridge in Canada.
Your body cannot always tell excitement from alarm
In 1974, two psychologists had an attractive researcher approach men on two bridges. One was a solid, low wooden bridge. The other was a narrow suspension bridge swaying high over a gorge. She gave each man her phone number in case he had questions about the study.
The men on the scary bridge were far more likely to call her. Their hearts were already pounding from the bridge, and their brains read the pounding as attraction to her.
The same thing happens in dating. Someone who keeps you guessing, who might reply and might not, who is wonderful one day and distant the next, keeps your heart pounding. That feels like chemistry. A lot of it is uncertainty.
The study is Dutton and Aron (1974), and it is the classic demonstration of what psychologists call misattribution of arousal: a racing heart gets credited to whatever is nearby. It explains why intensity is such a poor guide to whether a relationship will be good for you.
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Quick check
Someone you've been seeing replies instantly for a week, then vanishes for three days, then comes back full of attention. You feel more hooked than ever. What is most likely going on?
Think of the person you had the strongest chemistry with. How much of that feeling was them, and how much was not knowing where you stood?
Take this with you
Chemistry tells you about your nervous system. Compatibility tells you about the person.