The pursue and withdraw dance
Put the two halves together and you get a dance. Today you draw yours, because the dance is the problem, not either of you.
The more you reach, the more they retreat
One partner feels distance and pursues: asks, pushes, protests. The other feels pressure and withdraws: goes quiet, shuts down, leaves the room. The pursuit makes the withdrawal worse, and the withdrawal makes the pursuit more desperate.
Each person is reacting to the other, and each feels like the reasonable one. That is why arguments about who started it never end. The cycle is the enemy, not your partner, and not you.
Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls this the pursue-withdraw cycle. The researcher Andrew Christensen, who studied it as the demand-withdraw pattern, found it is one of the most common and damaging patterns in couples in distress.
Draw your dance.
Your words
When they ____,
I feel ____, so I ____.
Then they ____,
and I feel ____.
Quick check
In a pursue-withdraw cycle, what usually makes the withdrawing partner pull back further?
Take this with you
The dance is the problem, not either of you.