Facts, feelings, stories
Arguments you cannot win usually mix three different things together. Pulling them apart is one of the most useful skills in this whole programme.
Three kinds of statement
A fact is what a camera would catch. A feeling is what happened inside you. A story is the meaning either of you puts on it.
Manipulation almost always works on the story. "You're overreacting" is a story about your feeling. "That never happened" is a story that tries to overwrite a fact. When you know which kind of statement you are dealing with, you know which ones are up for debate. Your feelings are not. The facts should not be.
Sort each one.
Tap a card
Take one recent argument and pull it apart.
1. What happened
Facts only. Where, when, the words that were said.
2. What went through your head
The automatic thought, in the exact words it arrived in.
3. What actually supports it, and what does not
Both columns. Be a fair witness, not a prosecutor.
4. A more complete way to see it
Not positive thinking. Just a version that fits all the evidence.
Take this with you
Your feelings are not up for debate, and the facts should not be. Only the stories are.